"Unfriended" - from Cakelet

I read an awesome blog called Cakelet, and the author recently posted about a friend that she had lost, the only friend she had ever been wronged by.

Her gracious, kind response to her friend's betrayal was so complete and so genuine that I was deeply moved. I can be petty, cruel, and so thoughtless when I feel that I have been wronged. I am judgmental, quick to anger, and slow to recant. Thankfully, I am surrounded by wonderful people who rarely set off my temper - in truth, it is more often myself than any others combined that make me angry.

But going back to Cakelet's post - I am reminded of the one friend by whom I have felt truly and deeply wronged. While we still remained 'friends' after this incident, I have forever been harboring feelings of betrayal and hurt since this happened. I am writing this post today in honor of the season of light which began with Imbolc on the 2nd, in celebration of the return of the sun. I hold up this hardened and cold part of my heart to be exposed to the light, and therefore warmed.

When I was 16, I became pregnant. Being young, stupid, and selfish, I was terrified and simply took the instructions of those who were not acting in my or my child's best interest. There was one person I reached out to while I was still pregnant, to let her know about what had happened and ask for her help. I remember very clearly, walking down the ramp from the cafeteria to class in my high school, with her at my side, telling her I had a secret and needed help.

She looked me straight in the face and said (ironically), "Well, as long as you're not pregnant, anything!". I was so stunned I said nothing, just stared at her (with a face probably white as a sheet). She stood looking at me for a moment, and then realizing what my silence meant, she immediately shook her head and looked away. "Don't say anything else," she said, "or I won't be able to talk to you or be your friend anymore".

So, silenced, I continued walking down the corridor with her and sealed my lips firmly, vowing not to talk to anyone else.

I have never shared about this before. Now that my blog is known to so many of my friends and family, I almost hesitate to write it down. But honestly, this was one of the pivotal moments in my life, and it defined me and my feelings for a long time.

I wrote this to cleanse myself of my anger, and honestly, I do feel better. I forgive her. She was young and scared, as I was, and in her fear reacted as I had: shutting down. So I forgive her. I truly forgive her, for she was never at fault for reacting as she did. I will let this go now, like a candle floating away on the waves, and fill in another dark hole in my heart with renewing earth. Let's hope something else grows there now.